In one week our plans for the school semester and carefully crafted schedules became unimportant. The plans we had of a healthy baby boy being born in October were deemed extraordinarily incorrect. Our doctors noticed something wrong in an ultrasound when I was 20 weeks along, assuring us it would be easily fixed when he was born, which we were assured would happen in Rexburg, again extraordinarily incorrect.
We met with a neonatologist in Salt Lake City when I was 33 weeks along, it was a Friday. He informed us we would be delivering at the University of Utah hospital and our baby would be immediately transferred to Primary Children's Medical Center, for an exploratory surgery. He was hopeful that whatever was wrong could be fixed but told us to be prepared for a situation where it couldn't. We drove home that Tuesday with optimism, we didn't know exactly what would happen in the next month but we felt good.....then I started having contractions. By Thursday I made Casey take me to the hospital and for the next 10 weeks the world stopped turning.
Carter was perfect, we got to see him in an incubator, all hooked up to a million tubes for just a minute before they took him to Primary's. I got to hold him later that night and we prepared to get some answers the next day after his surgery. But you can never prepare for the answers we heard that day. Our little boy would never grow up, he wouldn't learn to walk or talk, drive a car, or have children of his own.
That night when the nurse woke me to take my vital signs, for a brief second I had forgotten everything and as I turned to face her everything flooded back. A physical weight of discouragement stopped me from moving and I wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up again, just stay in that dreamland where everything was ok and I didn't have to decide how my little boy was going to die.
But, we got up the next morning and every morning after that, exhausted but the discouragement soon disappeared. Family, friends and wonderful nurses rallied around us, offering prayers and blessings, lifting us up and helping us along. The simple truths that we have known all our lives became our daily sustenance. Carter would be able to grow up, and we would still be his parents because of the awesome power of the priesthood and temple ordinances. And today, three years later, those truths are still evident in our lives. Our home is filled with Carter's pictures and our memories continuously visited be his awesome experience. Our plans changed and I have been so blessed and so grateful that they did.
Carter Bradford Schanz September 8, 2006 - November 17, 2006
5 comments:
That was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing such a personal experience with all of us. Carter was just too perfect for this earth life and just needed a body. I, too, am grateful for the things I have learned, with the passing of our little boy. Knowing that our little boys will always be sealed to our families give me such peace and comfort.
You guys are amazing parents! Love you guys!
Thanks for sharing that story. You guys are such wonderful parents. I can't even imagine the loss you have felt, but I too know that families are forever!
thanks for sharing more insight on Carter. It's good to remember those sweet little spirits! I'm so glad we are members of God's church where we can have an awesome understanding of Families being Forever. It just seems to help the hurt.
I've never heard Carter's story before but I am greatful you shared it. I'm crying as i read this and my heart aches for your loss; especially now that I have my own child and try to imagine myself in your shoes. At the same time, my testimony has been strengthened by the spirit that you brought and the truth of your words. I can only hope that we will be able to face life's challenges with the same grace, courage and faith as you and casey did. I am forever sorry that we weren't there to support you, but please know that you were always in our prayers. Thanks Rachel.
Thanks for sharing this Rachel. You are so strong. Happy Birthday Carter. You guys have a beautiful family and I'm glad I found your blog. Love the pics of Megan, so cute.
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